Unchose I often hear someone say that they are in love, and months later they are removing pictures off of their Facebook, and Instagram and posting hate messages about the other person. We throw around this topic of love like it’s a fad but it is rarely true love. I do not know exactly what love is. So often I see messed up relationships where the two of them claim to be in love but the relationship is toxic and is only held together by the passions of the flesh. For these reasons, I wonder if love exist. As little girls, we are fed these stories of a "prince charming" adding to our happiness or saving us from some type of pain in our lives; yet when we grow up "prince charming" turns out to be a liar, a manipulator or a cheater. I have seen this occurring in countless relationships. In my opinion, women seem to be the person in the relationship who are madly in love, yet their boyfriends or husbands seem detached or they are cheaters. Which brings me to my second question: "Do men love the same as women?" I see countless men living with wives or girlfriends, but will step out on them without a second thought. Most men even act as if it should be accepted as if he is the only person with hormones. Some men make a joke of having two girls at once. They brag about getting caught and lying to their girlfriends or wives about ending their unfaithful ways only to cheat the next week. We are living in a side chick culture. The word has become well known and used in memes all over social media. Due to, this women start to believe being faithful is pointless. Some women feel you are either going to be faithful and get cheated on or be smart and have your own fun. In addition, we are living in a Y.O.L.O. culture. We cannot find fulfillment in one person. Many men and women are seeking hook-ups to erase the nagging pain of loneliness. While others, want love but cannot get it from their partners, some fall out of love, while others are guarded--too afraid to be hurt again. But despite all of these negative situations. We sometimes find a rare couple who has been together for some time and they are faithful, honest and respectful. Then one is forced to think about it’s existence once more and think to themselves, "Will I find love ? Does love exist?" Photo used under Creative Commons from Neda Andel ~SLooK4U Blog I spent my whole life either feeling alone or being alone. I just saw a video of this Youtuber who is beautiful yet she said she never really had friends but she had a boyfriend in high school. She even admitted she thinks of going places but had no one to go with. I know that story very well the sense you do not belong. The familiar feeling of being trapped in your own lack of social skills, or not being normal enough. I have been a very shy person since elementary. I wanted to be invisible, to avoid being teased. The recess time was stressful because I was just floating amongst different cliques. I always felt like I was tagging along or forcing my presence on others. I always felt tolerated, rather than being wanted--maybe even pitied. It didn’t help when people called me ugly either. This made me struggle with the desperate need to belong and take part in group activities and be a "normal girl" But I wasn’t normal I could never keep my hair neat, couldn’t dress, and was just different from others.
I started getting closer to two people in middle school. I use to hang out with one of them at her house. I eventually introduced these two people and they became friends and I felt left out. I couldn’t dance although I could sing--dancing is it’s own beast. These girls introduced their friends and it was a clique during the summer. But this all ended up becoming a bunch of broken friendships. They hate each other until this day. In high school the other friend I spoke with became distant she had an interest in being noticed by others and being cool. She then moved away and we lost contact. I still had another friend who I spoke with almost everyday by phone but we didn’t hang out. I went through high school floating once more having associates not friends, not like the friends on TV or on movies. I didn’t go to parties or have a boyfriend. I expected to be invisible to guys I didn’t want their attention. I lived the best of my life in a dream fantasy--in thoughts picturing the perfect boyfriend in my head. I pictured how he would look, talk, joke or make me feel special. I would write short stories and poetry and just watch movies--anything that kept me locked in my realm of imagination. I went to college and for a second, I had a clique, but that went awry. I was so lonely in college. I was so miserable and depressed. I would cry in my dorm. Again, I hung with different people but due to having a different major I saw them less. I ate in the dinning hall alone. I barely ate I always felt sick and felt weird eating by myself. I was dating someone it seemed good at first, but this person showed his true colors eventually and was nothing like I thought. I endured so much from this person just so I wouldn’t be completely alone. I couldn’t bare being alone any longer who could sit in a dorm alone no roommate, and no visitors. Yet, I wanted to be alone because I couldn’t relate to those around me. Now that I'm free of a relationship, I've decided to learn another language and use a site to talk with people to practice languages. I have met a lot of people online nice people from Northern Africa and many Spanish speaking countries. My Arabic needs work, but my Spanish is much better, now and I can understand novelas. Most of all, I have learned about other cultures. My 25th birthday pasted recently I didn’t go out. This is when the sting of loneliness hits you. I use my time alone to do constructive things like learn African history, blog or practice my languages. I Iove sharing my thoughts with people on my blog or with my language partners. I would be a liar to say I never feel alone but I have met people online who I have confided in, laughed with and shared my experiences with. They don’t make me feel tolerated, I get more calls from them than from people in America. Men and females alike compliment me and tell me that I’m pretty and funny. Many cannot believe that I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s like we are from two different worlds.They see things in me that people in America never see. I simply learn in my free time. I feel like most Americans never learn so they believe everything blindly. I tend to dig in the making of society and pose questions. I try to look at life in a philosophical manner. I will utilize my extra time to self teach. Bottom line is use your free time being constructive. Even as a 25 year old woman I have a hard time understanding male expectations. Particularly, what a man means when he says "Lets hang out." I also have a hard time deciphering if the guy who suggest hanging out is only seeking friendship. After all, some guys just want friendships...Right? I can never tell because the average adult male has his mind on getting in the sheets instead of getting inside a woman's heart. Let's be real. How many men see a woman and say "Wow, she would be a great friend?" It's safe to assume most men asking for your time is interested in you romantically. But if this is true what are they asking to do with you. I'm specifically referring to the invitation to come to his house. You know "chillin". I recently was asked to hang out with someone and I couldn't help but think hmmm. Was this guy asking me to come over for "fun time" or was he really asking to spend time? I have definitely seen social media statuses that suggest it's said to initiate having relations. But are we really at a time where a man and woman that are just getting to know each other only visit each other's home to sleep together? We can't spend time together actually watching Netflix or having good conversation about politics, books and our childhoods? When does a night cap mean a night over? I personally believe while going to a movie or a dance club can be fun it limits your ability to talk freely and discuss common interest. I believe being in a quiet home allows an environment to relax and be yourself. But when we live in a generation of one night stands it seems male expectations have changed. The dating rules have changed drastically from my parent's generation. Men use to take women on dates and expect to pay. Now men act as if they do pay for the date you owe them at the end of the night. And in a society where rape is still occurring women like myself have to decode male speech and suggestions. It seriously seems like you can never tell when a man is being genuine. What woman hasn't heard "I'm a good guy" from the absolute worst guy they have ever met in their life? I guess we just have to kiss frogs until that prince comes along and take a chance on someone. I would like your opinion. Leave a comment below. After researching many aspects of black culture I have been presented with the topic of misogyny in the black community. Many black women feel that black men mistreat black women, that they are self-hating men who lust after white women, they are abusers and overall "the cancer of society". I honestly cannot pretend that black men are these loving characters that put their women on a pedestal. I have seen countless black men belittle dark skin females just to make light skin females feel beautiful, or heard stories of black men beating or cheating on their girlfriends. As far as cheating goes I have been conditioned since I was a young girl to think that all black men are cheaters, willing to infect their girlfriends with HIV just to sleep around. I have seen black men dog out the prettiest, smartest and most driven black women all for the sake of being evil. Even in my own family I have never seen men who treat women with the respect they deserve only cheating, men who never accepted responsibility but rather distribute the blame on women and produce children without any intentions of being faithful. The sad thing is after they have destroyed any sense of hope in these black women they call these women "crazy" or "bitter". They make black women feel that they are inventing these feelings of mistreatment and neglect yet black women have to question if a black man will even date them if he is successful. I literally could go on and on about this subject because it causes me so much distress and bewilderment. Many African American woman feel that the answer is to date outside their race. I recently saw a post about a woman saying she saw many of her family and friends marrying white men but she wanted to wait for her black man. Many women thought this was stupid but I couldn't judge her. She has pride in who she is, a person of African descent and she wanted to share this same pride with a mate with the same mentality. Personally, I do not see white men as the second coming some of them are just as sneaky, abusive, dishonest and unfaithful as black men. I do see that many of them have a leg up in their careers and are more family oriented. Many black women feel that black men don't work, well I wouldn't say that. It's that some are not ambitious enough and many of those who are successful are arrogant they know they are some of the few black men making it in life and expect black women to put up with their baggage and foul treatment. Most black men, like black women have a complex due to negative portrayals of black people in society, dysfunctional homes with missing fathers and bitter single mothers who took their anger out on their children, or had a mother who over glorified them for being good in academics so they thought anything bad they did, didn't count. Then there are the color struck dark skin men who hate dark skin women who make up excuses for their self-hate by attaching negative traits to black or dark skin women by saying they are all ghetto, have children out of wedlock and are on welfare. Secretly, they love light skin, good hair and green or blue eyes and want their children to look as white as possible so they seek mixed or white women. There are also the weave haters who make weave seem like it's ghetto like white celebrities don't wear weave. Or the pro-black men who demonize weave wearers as self-hate instead of the obvious which is protective styling. When my hair is braided for 2 weeks or longer it grows I could never wear these braids out for longer than a week because my hair is thin and never stays neat longer than four days without it looking old and re-braiding it would defeat the purpose of it being a protective style. These men refuse to believe black women have trouble with breakage and say it's an execuse to try to look white which is not true because I wear afro wigs a lot because my hair tangles a lot when I leave it out and thin hair doesn't provide a good thick fro but rather see through mess. White men either don't care about black women's hair or they don't care enough to demonize us for wearing it. Even with all this I don't really want to date a white man and explain my hair to them nor be apart of their African or ghetto queen fetish. The white guys who liked me felt the need to mention their interest in rap music or that they loved my braids. I also look at many Youtubers in interracial relationships which ironically are natural hair Youtubers and some of their white husbands or boyfriends seem gay or unattractive not all but some. It comes off like it's settling on both parts the white man can't find his white female companion so he looks for a black woman because she will be happy to get any white man. This is not all the cases some are perfect interracial couples that seem like soulmates. I just have an issue with this promotion of interracial relationships by black people who buy into this white savior complex like we don't have enough division in our community. The early welfare system prohibited black men in the home, slavery broke up the black family so why are we promoting another tactic to divide black people? But black women are not making these issues up if your a black man be honest; How do you treat black women? How do your friends treat black women? What kind of fathers do you see? Are you married or faithful? Do you accept blame or play mind games like silent treatment? See I'm not trying to dog out black men or glorify white men. I want us black people to think about what we promote or how we treat each other. I can never say that I will never date a white man. Never say never right? I just refuse to put any man on a pedistol. I'm not waiting on any man and I'm not delusional and self-hating waiting on my white prince or thinking every black man will treat me like a queen. I'm confused I guess still trying to make sense of issues in the black community all while playing devils advocate and steering clear of romanticism. |
AuthorMy name is Kiara and writing is the way I express myself. Archives
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