Photo used under Creative Commons from Neda Andel ~SLooK4U Blog I spent my whole life either feeling alone or being alone. I just saw a video of this Youtuber who is beautiful yet she said she never really had friends but she had a boyfriend in high school. She even admitted she thinks of going places but had no one to go with. I know that story very well the sense you do not belong. The familiar feeling of being trapped in your own lack of social skills, or not being normal enough. I have been a very shy person since elementary. I wanted to be invisible, to avoid being teased. The recess time was stressful because I was just floating amongst different cliques. I always felt like I was tagging along or forcing my presence on others. I always felt tolerated, rather than being wanted--maybe even pitied. It didn’t help when people called me ugly either. This made me struggle with the desperate need to belong and take part in group activities and be a "normal girl" But I wasn’t normal I could never keep my hair neat, couldn’t dress, and was just different from others.
I started getting closer to two people in middle school. I use to hang out with one of them at her house. I eventually introduced these two people and they became friends and I felt left out. I couldn’t dance although I could sing--dancing is it’s own beast. These girls introduced their friends and it was a clique during the summer. But this all ended up becoming a bunch of broken friendships. They hate each other until this day. In high school the other friend I spoke with became distant she had an interest in being noticed by others and being cool. She then moved away and we lost contact. I still had another friend who I spoke with almost everyday by phone but we didn’t hang out. I went through high school floating once more having associates not friends, not like the friends on TV or on movies. I didn’t go to parties or have a boyfriend. I expected to be invisible to guys I didn’t want their attention. I lived the best of my life in a dream fantasy--in thoughts picturing the perfect boyfriend in my head. I pictured how he would look, talk, joke or make me feel special. I would write short stories and poetry and just watch movies--anything that kept me locked in my realm of imagination. I went to college and for a second, I had a clique, but that went awry. I was so lonely in college. I was so miserable and depressed. I would cry in my dorm. Again, I hung with different people but due to having a different major I saw them less. I ate in the dinning hall alone. I barely ate I always felt sick and felt weird eating by myself. I was dating someone it seemed good at first, but this person showed his true colors eventually and was nothing like I thought. I endured so much from this person just so I wouldn’t be completely alone. I couldn’t bare being alone any longer who could sit in a dorm alone no roommate, and no visitors. Yet, I wanted to be alone because I couldn’t relate to those around me. Now that I'm free of a relationship, I've decided to learn another language and use a site to talk with people to practice languages. I have met a lot of people online nice people from Northern Africa and many Spanish speaking countries. My Arabic needs work, but my Spanish is much better, now and I can understand novelas. Most of all, I have learned about other cultures. My 25th birthday pasted recently I didn’t go out. This is when the sting of loneliness hits you. I use my time alone to do constructive things like learn African history, blog or practice my languages. I Iove sharing my thoughts with people on my blog or with my language partners. I would be a liar to say I never feel alone but I have met people online who I have confided in, laughed with and shared my experiences with. They don’t make me feel tolerated, I get more calls from them than from people in America. Men and females alike compliment me and tell me that I’m pretty and funny. Many cannot believe that I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s like we are from two different worlds.They see things in me that people in America never see. I simply learn in my free time. I feel like most Americans never learn so they believe everything blindly. I tend to dig in the making of society and pose questions. I try to look at life in a philosophical manner. I will utilize my extra time to self teach. Bottom line is use your free time being constructive. Comments are closed.
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AuthorMy name is Kiara and writing is the way I express myself. Archives
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